On the anniversary of Chad’s death February 14, 2000, there is one over arching thought this morning
‘I am so much moor’
You see, when he died, I died too. But I didn’t know that back then. I just felt like I was literally dying inside of heartbreak. It was more than that, it was living in full circle. It was the beginning of me understanding my story and my story would include many little deaths and births in a lifetime.
Scientists say we regenerate our bodies on a cellular level every 7 years, if that’s true I’m onto biologically birthing my third person since that tragedy. I tend to agree with this thought because my tears are different today- wiser and more rejuvenating. Is it because I understand my story or is it because I understand my story has meaning?
What I do know is I feel like the sudden tragedy that changed the trajectory of my whole self identity 16 years ago was simultaneously a long time ago and yet, still accessible as if like yesterday if I ‘opened that door’. The big difference now is I know I have the power to open and close that door. That was not a choice back then.
Back then, I had two burning questions, “Why did this happen to me?” and ‘What will become of me?” These two questions were the headlights in a dark tunnel of grief. They are deep thoughts for such a free spirit like me. And as with most free spirits, we like the fast lane. We have a need for speed.
But, the world of loss, grief, reconciliation and self actualization isn’t built for speed. It’s the opposite insisting that you stop at every toll, gas station to fill up, every line at the bathroom, every traffic jam known to man and every red light ever seen.
It’s excruciatingly slow when you want answers fast. What I know about becoming a young widow now is this:
- It was a fast pass to my true self. Although a decade and a half may not seem fast in reality.
- It got painfully slow before it became exhilaratingly fast. So much good happens now, I can’t keep up.
- It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. I see the worth in my story and everyone else’s around me.
- I am now so much Moor. I have assimilated all that is good about Chad and my time with him. It has transformed me and pointed me in the direction of my own legacy of love.
On this morning 16 years ago sitting beside Chad’s hospital bed in the trauma ICU still dressed in my blood stained cashmere sweater, the sun came up and flooded the room with light. I realized that life cruelly goes on. Today, I realize that life compassionately goes on because each morning the sun invites us to join it in being light and warmth to an otherwise dark and cold world. I’m pretty certain there will be sunshine in heaven someday.
Thank you to every one of you who has at one point in my life been sunshine to light my way out of the darkest times. I am. I am happy to pass it along now and be so much moor. Happy Valentine’s Day and Weekend. Be safe and shine on.