A Widow’s Dream
Updated: Jun 22, 2018
Despite what you might think, I haven’t lost all my dreams. - Although the biggest dream I had was to grow old, crazy in love, to laugh away the hours seated beside each other in two cozy rocking chairs. - When you lose your dreams, it’s gut wrenching. It’s a ship without a harbor. Hear me out. - When someone dies who is tethered to your dreams, it’s god-forsakenly unfathomable. - It takes your very breath away, the wind out of your sails and the simplest joy out of life. - It stuns and shocks. It stumbles and falls. It’s silent and it screams. - Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said. - It beckons me to question everything and nothing. It makes no sense. - It’s the hardest medicine to swallow for what ails my tender broken heart. - Dreams are made for the future, and our future just completed its circle of life. - New dreams and circles begin as a white sheet, a neverending road, a blank chalk board, a flowing river, a narrow trail or an empty computer screen. - It’s a reset I resent. It’s a grudge I must face. It’s a new I dislike. Oh, it’s so very true. - But it’s also a doorway, a threshold, a chapter, a page, a new me opportunity. A curiosity. - That new me dream lurks in front of me without a hint of forecast, certainty, direction or knowing. - I’m scared. Oh my gosh, I actually said that. I thought I knew where I was headed but now…. - Everything I once knew for sure is no longer. Dreams feel far, far away at the edge of existence and yet, I know they are somehow entangled in this first courageous push away from the shore of my unfulfilled dreams. - I must take into the future a dream of my own, a blank space to be filled with…..something, somewhere, someone, somehow, someway. - I will use all my determination, commitment, resilience, creativity, consciousness, knowledge, heart, kindness and humble energy to take me there. I’ll also use my anger, bitterness, grief, uncertainty, negativity and I’ll turn it ALL into fuel that propels my journey. - It’s all fuel. It’s all me. It’s all good. It’s here to teach me that dreams are for the seaworthy. - I will not allow grief and a lost dream to keep me tied onto the shore of my beautiful past. - That is a promise I intend to keep. A link I plan to create. An empowering link- not to an anchor of my lost dream, but as a resilient vessel moored to the possibility of ‘new me’ dreams on the horizon.
Please be extra patient with me as I set outward bound on this journey sunrise to sunset. I’m getting there. Especially during these holidays, which are unchartered territory for me.
Carolyn Moor MWC Founder #OneMillionWidows https://modernwidowsclub.com